OK. I get it. The world can get hot, and fast. Over it. But, should you need advice, other than sticking your head in a fridge, I’ve got you covered. Here’s my top ten ways to beat the heat wave. And we’re very serious about this.
10) Get your assistant to deal with it! Money buys everything—even comfort—so make sure your assistant is on the case like James Bond. Also, make sure your car, office and house have the perfect temperature and your private jet is ready to take you to a place with a climate that is just perfect for you. Because you’re special. I don’t even have an assistant.
9) Screw head in fridge and actually sleep in the freezer. Yes, I read in a recent interview that the reason behind Donatella Versace’s good looks and young looking skin is that she actually sleeps in the freezer! No lie! Although I can’t find that article.
8) Use an iced lolly as a dildo, and ice cubes in your nipples… get kinky! It will make your sex way more interesting (bonus points if your boyfriend likes rimming. Yeah, I said it. And what?).
7) Walk around in your swimwear next to the fridge section of your local supermarket (ie: pic). But we’ve all made that mistake and ended up with the mother of all summer colds, right? Nothing tops being sick in a heatwave.
6) If you can, have sex with Nicole Kidman. She looks colder than ice to me, too. Just sayin’.
5) Check in the Ice Hotel in Sweden! I can’t wait to hear the stories!! I actually don’t know anybody that have been there. Seriously. Go and tell me about it.
4) Go for a tour of an ice-cream factory who needs wine tasting when you can eat ice cream. That made absolutely no sense, but it’s the heatwave, I promise.
3) Drink hot beverages. Forget frappes and try hot steaming coffee with the consistency of volcanic magma. You will automatically feel colder on the outside. No, seriously.
2) Upgrade your air conditioner. You probably have the same one since 1984 for god sake. Trust me, you will start sleeping again without that vintage, 1980s a/c hum! Ahhh the joy!
1) Come and join me in London. We haven’t had a day of sunshine since April so stop fucking complaining It is actually colder than a witches tit here.