For a lesbian, I sure do love to eat a lot of meat. I prefer it between a nice fluffy bun smothered with cheese and whatever toppings said bun can sustain. Burgers are a staple of my diet, I need them, I want them, and most of all I crave them. So it is vital to me that I know where in this meaty city the best of the best are hiding. So I have been searching and eating and finding and falling in love. Here is my list of the top five burgers in NYC. Fair warning you will have to leave the island of Manhattan for my number one.

#5 BLT Burger Truck (Mobile)

Burgers that come to me: nothing more needs to be said. The guys at BLT Burger decided to put their delicious patties on a truck, which cruises the city in search of hungry carnivores. Win of all wins… and then you bite in. I don’t think I have ever inhaled a burger faster. We’re talking the speeds at which an asthmatic kid hits his inhaler after gym class. It was gone before I had a chance to think, and then I did think, and I was like this is amazing

BLT Burger Truck
Follow them on Twitter @Goburger

#4 Paul’s (East Village)

Walking into this place one may want to turn back around. But you’re not me and you’re not from New Jersey, therefore quite familiar to divey diners. If fine ambience is your thing, this is not your cup of tea. With that said the burgers here are the size of manhole covers. Seriously these burgers are huge, and delicious, and greasy. They are also probably really bad for you, but it is my culinary law that if it has the possibility of killing you, you should probably order two of whatever it is and say a prayer, because it will probably be the best thing you’ve ever eaten. So what if after your final bite you may need to be laid out on a stretcher? You deserve to die happy. Also make sure you ask for pickles, your waitress will bring you a bucket, and yes I do mean an actual bucket.

Paul’s
131 2nd Ave (b/t 7th St & St Marks Pl)
New York, NY 10003

#3 Whitman’s (East Village)There is a certain Tom Sawyer feel to this place; it just has that country store feel to it. How else can I put this? Imagine that your family had a boat that had been passed down from generation to generation. Beautiful, with glistening wood, a white washed finish and pictures of past family members hanging in the galley. This is that boat, that country store in a restaurant. Onwards to what matters. The burgers here are delicious. They offer the famed Juicy Lucy here, which for those of you who aren’t burger scholars like myself, is a burger that has a piping hot center of melted cheese. We are talking lava cheese people. Remember to contain yourself when it comes to you at all costs, kindly sit on your hands and wait for the center to cool down. Trust me. Everyone knows a burnt tongue ruins all the food fun. Staying right on the topic of cheese, Whitman’s serves up the most orgasmic plate of blue cheese fries this side of Madonna and Lady Gaga touring together. Fries rarely outshine burgers, but they come pretty darn close here. If the molten lava burger isn’t exactly your thing, you can’t go wrong with keeping it classic, and ordering the Upstate Burger. For those of you, who are a bit more daring, go for their peanut butter and bacon burger. I do not go near peanut butter and beef mixing, but I have been told by more than one person that it is indeed delicious. I guess I’ll never know.

Whitman’s
406 E 9th St (b/t East 9th St & Avenue A)
New York, NY 10009

#2 The Corner Bistro (West Village)

Those of us who work late hours and those of us who party into the wee hours of the morning have one thing in common. Hunger. After hours in front of your computer screen, or hours in front of a flip cup table we all come together looking for a late night fix. Being New Yorkers, fast food just won’t cut it. You see we want exactly what a fast food restaurant has to offer, but we refuse to feel the scrutiny of walking around with a McDonalds bag. Corner Bistro has come to your rescue, in a big way. The fries are just like Micky D’s except they come next to a burger that isn’t from 85 year old cows. And (and!) you can get beer. The menu here consists of about 5 things. You can get a burger, cheeseburger, bacon cheeseburger, or a grilled cheese. Add fries to whatever and well, there you have an excellent 3 am meal. Corner

Bistro
331 W 4th St (b/t Jane St & 12th St)
New York, NY 10014

#1 Sweet Afton (Astoria)

What do you do when you bite into something and instantly feel love greater than you have ever felt for anything else, ever? All of a sudden all of the shows you’ve seen about people marrying their cars and favorite gardening shovel don’t seem so strange. Because after the flavors of whatever it was that you were chomping down on spread across your tongue, you were captured. Innamured like you have never been before. If you are reading this and thinking that I have lost my mind, you aren’t entirely wrong. My mind did go to a place that it has never been to before when I bit into Sweet Afton’s burger. Trust me. Get your ass to Astoria.

Sweet Afton
30-09 34th St
Astoria, NY 11103